My Ideal Job: A Not So Simple Life-Plan

Ash: When you were little how did you answer the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered with the standard lawyer, doctor, scientist not because it was what I wanted but because more importantly it was what mom expected. Now that I've had a chance grow and mature I finally know. Simply put: 

            "I just want a job that can allow me to pay my bills and live comfortably. And after saving for a couple years buy a bookstore and my own private island...... What? Dammit I'm gonna be the best Ballerina on my private island!" -Ash

        I even did some research did you know I can buy an island called Isla Mongon south of Chile for as little as $195,000? 

Of course I'd have to rename it Isla de Hidden Ninjas but afterwards, it really would be the perfect getaway. I mean although there are about 110,000 people living there right now, as soon as I take over those suckers are outta there! After I retire to my island i think I'll spend my days reading, baking and dominating the island wide ballet competitions.

        "In which she'll be the only one competing." ::side-eye:: -TK

        You may think I'm being a tad bit ridiculous however I've got it all worked out. I'm going to become a pharmacist and open a small but successful drug store with my little brother. After a few years we'll franchise and I'll travel the world with my best friends having short but passionate affairs with cabana boys 

before I return to Isla de Hidden Ninjas to raise the two children I adopted from war-torn countries.

TK: My ideal job: Administrative Assistant

You thought it was gonna be something show stopping or life changing didn't you? Well that's because you don't know me that well yet.

 It's ok....you'll learn.

So minus all the sugar coating an Admin Assistant is a Secretary plain and simple right? Absolutely not! You have no idea how much power that position holds. 

The CEO of a multi-million dollar company: who knows all his passwords, important phone numbers, dates, etc.? His secretary.

Now there's two ways to make this job the last job I'll ever have to work before I retire at 25:

#1: Skillful and methodical shuffling of company funds.

To accomplish this one must have access to bank accounts, necessary passwords and security clearance. As the head secretary to the CEO of course at one point or another my busy boss has asked me to make multiple deposits and withdrawals for company purposes thus giving me 
1. access to bank accounts 
2. the necessary passwords and 
3. security clearance for the afore mentioned banking activities. 
Now, the skillful and methodical shuffling of company funds requires a few offshore accounts, the boss's private computer, and money transfers made at random intervals in undetectable amounts. Obviously I'm not just gonna give away my fool-proof step by step plan all willy-nilly. But for 5 easy payments of $99.95+tax we might be able to work something out :)

Now according to the judicial system they call it grand theft, extortion, you know things like that; however for our purposes we'll go with Advanced Payment for Services Not Yet Rendered.

So for those of you who have a fear of possible jail time and the such we move on to plan 2; my personal favorite.

#2: Lawsuits and/or out of court settlements due to physical, mental and/or emotional trauma.

Now this plan mostly applies to women since statistically most multi-millionaire CEO's are men; however women are making a come up.

To accomplish this plan one's greatest weapon is a PROPERLY FITTING professional, yet seductive wardrobe. 

 unacceptable  acceptable

More skin is NOT always better I'll explain why later.

It's a known fact that most CEO's are married and many of them cheat on their wives, and WHO is the first person they usually get caught with?    The secretary!!

When you see it in the news the secretary is always portrayed as a home-wrecker and usually walks away with nothing but a bad reputation. That's because 
1. she was prancing around half naked and 
2. she actually slept with him. 
That's when they start throwin around words like "entrapment" and "unprofessional conduct".

This plan allows us to keep our dignity AND retire almost immediately. The trick is DON'T LET HIM GET ANY!!! Why women have yet to learn this is beyond me. Next, you  must have some record of the advances he will ultimately make towards you be it audio, love letters etc. And then, you swoop in like an angel of death and threaten to sue, but of course if the price is right you'll settle out of court without his wife having to see any of the evidence. If you play your cards right you'll own 35% stock in the company, and your grandchildren will be making a profit well after your gone :)