My Ideal Job: A Not So Simple Life-Plan

Ash: When you were little how did you answer the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered with the standard lawyer, doctor, scientist not because it was what I wanted but because more importantly it was what mom expected. Now that I've had a chance grow and mature I finally know. Simply put: 

            "I just want a job that can allow me to pay my bills and live comfortably. And after saving for a couple years buy a bookstore and my own private island...... What? Dammit I'm gonna be the best Ballerina on my private island!" -Ash

        I even did some research did you know I can buy an island called Isla Mongon south of Chile for as little as $195,000? 

Of course I'd have to rename it Isla de Hidden Ninjas but afterwards, it really would be the perfect getaway. I mean although there are about 110,000 people living there right now, as soon as I take over those suckers are outta there! After I retire to my island i think I'll spend my days reading, baking and dominating the island wide ballet competitions.

        "In which she'll be the only one competing." ::side-eye:: -TK

        You may think I'm being a tad bit ridiculous however I've got it all worked out. I'm going to become a pharmacist and open a small but successful drug store with my little brother. After a few years we'll franchise and I'll travel the world with my best friends having short but passionate affairs with cabana boys 

before I return to Isla de Hidden Ninjas to raise the two children I adopted from war-torn countries.

TK: My ideal job: Administrative Assistant

You thought it was gonna be something show stopping or life changing didn't you? Well that's because you don't know me that well yet.

 It's ok....you'll learn.

So minus all the sugar coating an Admin Assistant is a Secretary plain and simple right? Absolutely not! You have no idea how much power that position holds. 

The CEO of a multi-million dollar company: who knows all his passwords, important phone numbers, dates, etc.? His secretary.

Now there's two ways to make this job the last job I'll ever have to work before I retire at 25:

#1: Skillful and methodical shuffling of company funds.

To accomplish this one must have access to bank accounts, necessary passwords and security clearance. As the head secretary to the CEO of course at one point or another my busy boss has asked me to make multiple deposits and withdrawals for company purposes thus giving me 
1. access to bank accounts 
2. the necessary passwords and 
3. security clearance for the afore mentioned banking activities. 
Now, the skillful and methodical shuffling of company funds requires a few offshore accounts, the boss's private computer, and money transfers made at random intervals in undetectable amounts. Obviously I'm not just gonna give away my fool-proof step by step plan all willy-nilly. But for 5 easy payments of $99.95+tax we might be able to work something out :)

Now according to the judicial system they call it grand theft, extortion, you know things like that; however for our purposes we'll go with Advanced Payment for Services Not Yet Rendered.

So for those of you who have a fear of possible jail time and the such we move on to plan 2; my personal favorite.

#2: Lawsuits and/or out of court settlements due to physical, mental and/or emotional trauma.

Now this plan mostly applies to women since statistically most multi-millionaire CEO's are men; however women are making a come up.

To accomplish this plan one's greatest weapon is a PROPERLY FITTING professional, yet seductive wardrobe. 

 unacceptable  acceptable

More skin is NOT always better I'll explain why later.

It's a known fact that most CEO's are married and many of them cheat on their wives, and WHO is the first person they usually get caught with?    The secretary!!

When you see it in the news the secretary is always portrayed as a home-wrecker and usually walks away with nothing but a bad reputation. That's because 
1. she was prancing around half naked and 
2. she actually slept with him. 
That's when they start throwin around words like "entrapment" and "unprofessional conduct".

This plan allows us to keep our dignity AND retire almost immediately. The trick is DON'T LET HIM GET ANY!!! Why women have yet to learn this is beyond me. Next, you  must have some record of the advances he will ultimately make towards you be it audio, love letters etc. And then, you swoop in like an angel of death and threaten to sue, but of course if the price is right you'll settle out of court without his wife having to see any of the evidence. If you play your cards right you'll own 35% stock in the company, and your grandchildren will be making a profit well after your gone :)

A length of rope and Foster Care: Useful child rearing tactics.

Ash: In one I movie I was watching with TK, a mother took her child somewhere and as soon as she turned her back that little bada$$ wondered off.  I of course expected no less because children are like raccoons always causing trouble and getting into mischief. However TK immediately responded: 

                  "You see! This is why you must always carry some rope around with you. See then you can leave your children tied up to a pole with a sticker on their shirt that says "Don't worry, this isn't child abuse.... We're just playing a game.” 

 Now I know you may immediately think ‘Oh god that’s cruel!’ but think just how much easier life would be if whenever your child was about to act out they STOPPED and thought ‘Hey if I’m bad mommy’s gonna tie me up outside’.  If you don’t have children you might still be thinking ‘but still no child deserves that!’ Example 1

Case and point! And might I add upon seeing this video TK's response was:

              

             "You see that foolishness????!!!!! I woulda bust him upside the head with that bag of M&M's he was crying for....SINCE YOU WANT 'EM SO BAD THERE YOU GO!!!!!"

I admit maybe I feel this way because children terrify me…. But who wouldn’t be scared of them!  They’re so loud and sticky as if they secrete juice from their pores in some misguided defensive mechanism. If I haven’t convinced you and you’re still filled with righteous anger then REMEMBER that TK is the one who said it so please vent your frustrations on her.  O:-)

TK: Now don't get me wrong I love children ask anybody, but why do these little bastards feel the need to walk away when your back is turned? Is there a pony calling your name? Did you see a big pile of candy behind you? Then when they realize they're surrounded by strangers they wanna cry! Oh so now you miss me? You thought you were big and bad a minute ago! I'm just sayin a lil rope never hurt anybody....much.

Don't let Ash fool you into thinking I'm the mean one, this coming from the woman who said, in response to what she would do if her child threatened to call DCF on her for spanking:

        "I think having my child spend like a week in foster care where don't nobody give a damn would be a learning experience. What? You don't think so?" - Ash

Personally....I agree. I mean really you don't think if they live with a family of 9 or 10 kids sharing 2 rooms and one bathroom that they wont come home appreciative of what they have? Hell, next time they do something wrong they might just spank themselves. Thats just putting "the system" to good use.

Be Prepared...This is just the beginning

TK: Not quite sure what brought you to this blog but if you were expecting a gossip column or a sentimental diary you came to the wrong place....sorry. This blog was created by two girls who met in college and by some strange fate just clicked. We lived together for 2 1/2 years and had almost none of the problems most girls who live together experience. It was almost like....living with myself :) I love Ash for one reason and one reason only, SHE'S A NUTCASE!!! But you'll find that out soon enough. 

     This blog is nothing more than a virtual picture of the foolishness that ensues when we so much as open our mouths. Don't expect to find a watered down combination of our opinions these posts will be uncensored and you'll know exactly which one of us is speaking.

     So, what is this blog gonna be about? I have no idea! Knowing Ash we'll be arguing over asian dramas or looking at new recipes, but I can guarantee you that the Madness has only begun....

Ash: Picture it I was sitting in the middle of my 9:00AM class when all of a sudden I get a text from this hoe.

Saying ‘I have a surprise for you! But you have to call me after 10:00pm.’

       Of course I responded ‘oh my goodness I’m soo excited… is it a pony, a puppy, or a man’ (Honestly I was hoping at least she had found a boyfriend so that I could live vicariously through her, but I digress….)  She surprised me with this joint blog and I can’t think of a better way to stay connected to my friend now that she’s miles away, AND make new ones! So HIIIIIIIIII new friend! Wherever you are I’m praying that you stay healthy, happy, and always have ramen. J